I love you mommy!

She finally said it.

I was bent over hugging her, and she was hugging me. I had just gotten home from work, so she missed me. It wasn't loud, more of a whisper, right into my ear. "I love you mommy"

That was not just the first time she ever said it to me, but, the first time she ever said I love you to any of us. We knew she did, just by the way she is around us. It's just that actually saying it, without any prompting, or without anyone else saying it to her first, just means so much more and speaks volumes about how far she has come in just two months.

How can anyone know how a five year old will react to being taken from the only home and the only family she has ever known, and thrust into the arms and lives of complete strangers? I've said it before and I stand by it, adoption, especially international adoption, is legalized kidnapping. Up until the child reaches an age where they really can make the decision with an understanding of what that means, it really is a traumatic event no matter how well prepared they are. If I were to put an age on when they really "get it", I would have to say eight years old, because that is an age where explainations can be given, and discussion can be had where never and forever start to really mean something. When they know they may never come back and may never see their friends and nannies again they can more clearly know how dramatic their life is going to change and that making this decision will separate them completely. When they know that they will be with this new family forever, they can start to relax and work through the changes, knowing that this was their choice and that they get to keep these new members of their family. If the decision is not left up to them, at least they can prepare themselves to some degree for the upheaval, and can communicate with the guides and some of the other Chinese speaking people they will be in contact with during the adoption trip. Not that being old enough to understand what is happening makes it easy, by far not, there is nothing easy about walking away from your home, your safety zone into an unknown world. It is, however, easier to express how you are feeling, and to know when you are being understood.
It's easier for the nannies to prepare you. Whether they do or not is anyone's guess, and that doesn't take into account any handicaps that affect a child's ability to understand.

For Holly, the trauma and the inability to grasp the concept of adoption due to being five years old made it impossible for her to trust any of our guides enough to talk with them. She would listen to what they said, but, would not respond. Her nannies did a great job at trying to prepare her, and teaching her what was going to happen when we came for her, but, five year olds can only grasp concepts they are familiar with, and forever and never are not concepts they usually have to deal with. How much of the Chinese spoken by our guides that she really understood is still a mystery, as her dialect was so different. She must understand some of it though, as she still enjoys Chinese speaking DVD's, and the words and phrases she has taught us we can pick out of these DVD's, so she does at least understand some common Chinese.

We have learned so much about her personality, and what her emotional boundaries are. We can now see on her face and in her body language what she's feeling on a basic level. Still, it's hard for her and for us that we can't just ask her a question and answer the questions she has. Conversation is still slow going, broken and combined with a certain amount of Chinese. We usually get the gist of it, but, there are so many times that she gets a look on her face and you just know she is feeling something she doesnt know how to express, or she is remembering something she can't tell us about.

I would love to be able to tell her that we can still communicate with Nia Mah, and send her pictures and drawings, and even presents. She wouldn't understand. We will be sending a small box, with a picture of Nia Mah and instructions in Chinese, and I will be doing what I can to have her draw a picture for Nia Mah and tell her we are sending it to her all the way in China. Will she know what I mean, that's anyones guess. Judging by the way she talks about her, Nia Mah must have been very special to Holly, so it's important to me that some communication continue. At some point it will be Holly writing to her and me having it translated into Chinese, and vice versa so they can talk to each other as Holly grows up.

Still, for now, she has no idea if she will ever be able to see Nia Mah again, and I know it must hurt. Getting that I love you was clearly not the first time Holly hugged someone and told them that. It was so softly spoken that I'm sure it was a monumental moment for a little girl so far from the first mommy she said I love you to.